Today should have been a great day. I should have had a better attitude. I should have been in the now. Instead my mind was with the world and not with my body. I saw the people looking at me and wondered what they thought. I heard it was raining and thought about whether it was raining at home. I looked at the paintings and thought about all the people who couldn't be there with me to enjoy it.

I'm not doing well at self gratification. I'm constantly worried about whether my wife is at home stressed out, if I'm going to get that call, if this and if that. My mind is wandering about how I connect with some new acquaintances while I have the opportunity, how I help another friend with independence, finances, weather, home repairs, work, and so on and so forth.

And so after 4 hours at a great museum filled with great artwork from all over the world I have zero sketches. Not one, not even a scratch. I'll admit that I'm a mess. Complete and utter mess.

I'm unable to meet my needs or communicate my needs well enough for others to help me meet them. I'm fearful that the language I'm using sounds desperate instead of honest, ridiculous instead of enticing. This is immediately evident in my relationship with my wife, who after 18 years together and 13 years married still doesn't understand that when I'm in a foul mood I need some tenderness and some connection and not pinching, poking, or joking. If I can't communicate my needs and desires to the person who knows me best in the world then what are my chances with strangers.

I'm uninspired in so many ways. My art is going nowhere, my social life is picking up via text and e-mail but I haven't made that critical leap toward regular face-to-face interaction and activities. I know it will take time. That's reasonable, but it just feels like it's dragging along and that I'm being silly about not jumping out there and being more aggressive on so many different fronts.

I just have to breath through it. Take my time. Take a little risk, just a little. Everything will work out, I'll connect with some great people who will pull me a little further out of my hole and my inspiration for art will follow, just like always. It's like I'm on my own little 12 step anxiety program doesn't it. Maybe I should start wearing all black and cut myself.

Oh well, another day, another opportunity. Remember to be in the now.