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in need of a distraction

I could safely say, however indelicate it might sound, that l would prefer the distraction of rubbing my testicles against a cheese grater over this feeling I have right now. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of faking it,; putting on a happy face; smiling and sucking it up. While inside I'm waiting for that call, that text, that sign that everything is okay, that we are okay. I miss talking. I miss what was my normal. I miss being able to share openly and honestly. Now I'm alone. My self imposed exile from those I love. Dying inside because I can't reach out and let loose all this emotion because it just hurts everyone. No one seems to get it. I'm just supposed to suck it up and move on. But here I am still waiting on a text, on a call, on a message that I'm still loved, wanted, needed. I'll keep waiting.