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What a difference a day makes... or 26 days make

I really have to do a better job of keeping my writing going. I feel like I'm having a hard time staying connected and sometimes this blog is the only way some people know what's going on with me. It's my responsibility to be a better friend, so if I can't be there one one one, I'm going to make sure I put something here to make up for it.

Last month was incredibly hard personally; The ups and downs of a marriage trying to right itself, juggling the needs of my children, attempting to maintain my friendships, and doing my best to get work done all while being sick off and on.

Last month I felt like everything was falling apart. I still have a small sense of that. I'm still not where I want to be; I'm not balanced yet. I still feel like I have too little time and my priorities are not focused where they should be. But I'm working on it. I'm back to remembering the mantras of "this too shall pass" and "everything is impermanent." I know that I can make it through the turmoil and right my ship and find that much needed balance.

Where last month was horrible, this month has shaped up to be pretty good. Fighting has given way to communication. Jealousy has given way to generousity. Envy has given way to compassion. Things are still crazy busy, we're still going in a million directions, money is still tight, but I don't feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff right now. I don't feel like, at any moment, someone is going to pull the rug out from under me.

I still have my bouts of paranoia about losing my precious friend, especially when I miss an appointment to talk, or get interrupted and make her feel like she's less of a priority in my life. It's those days when I feel like an excuse factory. Like I'm not being the upstanding gentleman that I expect myself to be. Somedays it's just too hard to say no to someone whose right in my face in order to say yes to someone who's 2000 miles away. But I desperately want to be there. I'm working to find that balance that allows me to relax, put people off a bit, say "wait just a second please, this person is important too" and give everyone in my life the time they ultimately deserve.

So that's my goal. I feel like things are going in a more positive direction these last few weeks. Kat and Kelly have made up from their fight. Kelly is now more comfortable coming over and watching movies and hanging out with the family and with their mutual friends again. Healing is happening. To some degree I feel like a soldier coming back from battle and trying to readjust to peace time; How do I survive not fighting all the time? What do I say if I'm not talking about how crappy things are going? Will we still have things to talk about if I don't have my usual gripes and she doesn't have her canned responses?

I'm confident I'll work things out. I'm confident I'll make the time to be a better friend. I'm confident that my friend will be there with me while I do. She's proven to be that type of person. Thank you Amanda for sticking by me even when I've probably left you feeling abandoned.