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Grumps

With all the conflict in my life lately I'm beginning to seriously wonder if the me I want to be is an impossibility. Is it simply time to put away childish things, put on my big boy pants, and face the reality that dreams are dreams and not to be achieved, but merely dreamed? I don't know for sure, but it's certainly looking that way.

Each day, and even moment to moment, my dreams are closer to fulfillment than ever before and then suddenly seem a million miles away. These past two months have been exhilarating and saddening. Each day I feel closer to my wife and then, suddenly, as if we're on the road to divorce. I find a friend, Kelly, who I feel a great connection with and then that friendship is destroyed in the blink of an eye. My Amanda says in one moment she'll be there for me for as long as it takes and then questions whether she's screwed up enough to fit into my life.

I want nothing more right now than to curl up into a ball and sleep and hope that when I wake that this long dark winter of my soul is over and the grass is green and everyone is fine and there is happiness once again. But I know the reality and the reality is cold. The reality is about choices, hard choices that destroy people's hearts and kill their spirit.

My friend Kelly stopped talking to me in order to preserve her friendship with my wife, I did likewise. Not that I had much choice in the matter, groveling maybe, but nay... I just acquiesced. No reason to fight someone and cause hard feelings. No reason to be a wedge between two people who care about one another. Friends come and go right? Not for me. If you make it past the 2 week mark you're usually stuck with me. So when a friend goes away, or in this case doesn't go away but becomes inaccessible, it's a major blow. Suddenly my daily social circle went from 1 person to 2 people and suddenly back down to 1. Not that the 1 person isn't totally awesome and amazing and beautiful, but she's just 1 person and she's 2,096 miles away, and I'm positive now that she gets tired of hearing the same old song and dance about what I did during my day or my week. So I'm sad, beyond sad really.

I'm sad more because there's this lost potential. There are all the conversations we'll never have, all the laughs, the awkward moments too, even that bad days that build a friendship. All gone in the blink of an eye. I hate that. I hate just getting to know someone, them just starting to open the lid on who they really are and then BLAM gone. It makes me not want to try anymore. I'll just sit here with my one* friend and wait for the world to end.

* DISCLAIMER: Yes, yes. I DO have more than one friend. I'm exaggerating because of how I feel. It's artistic license. Get over it. The reality is that I have a bunch of friends, many of whom live in other states, or that I don't talk to on a regular basis, or that I know just from work, or with which I don't have much in common, or don't feel comfortable sharing particular feelings with, and none of which really invite me to go out or I feel comfortable inviting out. The reality is that I'm a fairly closed person (this blog not withstanding) and I let very few people inside. Kelly was one of those people. I'm not sure why, but she was. Now that's lost to me. So it's time to focus on what I have and not lose it too. My one great friend 'til the end. :D