Can't... Sleep... Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

I can't sleep! I won't sleep! I'm worried that if I go to sleep now that this worry will become a part of me, that I'll be stuck with this sense of trepidation FOREVER!

My brain says "Look, let's just reason our way through this. Let's pull out the playbook of things that help; some reading, a movie, maybe a video game, go outside get some fresh air, imagine you're on a beach..." Meanwhile some other part of my brain, the "heart" part, is freaking the FUCK OUT!

It's like at this very moment that part of me is a test subject in an experiment on stress. The researcher has given my brain one of those boxes with the square, triangle, and circle cutouts, and a whole box of shapes to try to put in those cutouts. He clicks the stop watch and says begin and my brain races to match the shapes in the box to the holes. What it doesn't know is that the shapes don't match. There's a circle cutout but no circle shape, there are star shapes but no star cutout. So my mind just furiously tries to jam every shape in every cutout over and over and over again, running through every possible angle. I mean the researcher is timing this right? And they wouldn't provide shapes that don't fit the cutout somehow? Right?!

The reality is that it's just my brain running amok. It's on the loose, looking for trouble, running permutations on scenarios that are at the tail-end of the impossible. Funny how the brain does that when you least want it to.

All those shapes are like my emotions and I'm trying to find the right one that fits; excitement, anger, jealousy, relief, fear, concern, heartbreak, love. As soon as I just know one fits, another seems more appropriate. Just have to tamp them down a little, round off the edges a bit, maybe find a hammer... that will get them to fit in the right cutout. Yeah! That's the ticket.

I just have to remember that I am where I need to be. These feelings are about this moment. This moment will pass and a new moment and a new feeling will replace it. Everything is impermanent. I will not let these emotions rule my life. I will let them flow over me and through me like water, and where those waters have passed, only soft edges will remain. I will be a better person because of this moment. I will be a happier person because of this moment, and because of the moments that follow.