The wait

I wish I understood the mechanism by which people turned their emotions on and off with seeming ease. Where is that switch that makes someone who loved you stop and someone who stopped loving you start again. Where is that mechanism that makes someone long for you one day avoid your touch the next. Where's the wrench that fixes the valve that lets love back in.

Not long ago I was excited to get out of bed. I was excited to see another day. I was excited to see the bright and happy faces of people who loved me. Today.... nothing. Not even sadness... not even tears... just the void of something missing, something suddenly so close for now forever out of reach.

I have no words left. For weeks they have evaded me. I have no idea what to say that can fix my heart. I have no idea how to get my friendships on track, my marriage, my kids, anything. All I know is this whole. Words have failed me. All I can do is wait. I can't even wait and hope. I fear the hope will just weigh on me while I wait. Weigh me down into the dirt. So I don't even have hope. Just the waiting. Just the waiting.